If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
