Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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