He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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