you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
