Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
