guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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