I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
