if you like me you must not know who I am
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
