Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
