Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
