'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
