A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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