I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
