Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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