i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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