Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Its about making memories worth repressing
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
