I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
