My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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