hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
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buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
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All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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