The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
