I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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