Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
