just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
