never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
