she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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