You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
