You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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