So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
