Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
