Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
