what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Randomize
