on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
