apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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