I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
