i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
