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I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
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