Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
