She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
