You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
