Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong