At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
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The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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