I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
