Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
