Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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