He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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