it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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