There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
