shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
