I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Pants are for mortals
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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