im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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