filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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