Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
