too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
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I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
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I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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