I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
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He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
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I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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