Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
