I can text with my tongue
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
is that a dick in a sweater?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
