I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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