can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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