So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
